Your Valentine's Day dilemmas solved: The aftermath

We asked for your Valentine's Day dilemmas and we were inundated with requests for advice. Dr Toby Spray picked out five examples of common problems and tried to point our readers in the right direction.

We caught up with the five hopeless romantics to find out how Valentine's Day went:

‘I’ve left it too late to book a restaurant. What can I do?’ Chris, 29, from Dartford.
You need to turn this difficult situation to your advantage. There’s nothing more romantic than a picnic, so head down to your local supermarket and buy some champagne, strawberries, several litres of soup, a rug, a camping stove and a large knife. Get your girlfriend to meet you at your local park treat her to a picnic to remember. It can get pretty cold at night in February so keep your soup bubbling on the stove and snuggle together on the rug. Parks can be dangerous places after dark, so keep the knife handy in case you’re attacked by muggers or drug-crazed doggers.

What happened?
‘It was a great success. My girlfriend stood me up, but I met a lovely young man called Graham in the park and we’ve become lovers.’


‘I’ve blown all my cash down the bookies and I’m down to my last £10. My wife is expecting a fancy meal in a posh restaurant, how am I going to pay for it?’ Owen, 41, from Skegness.
Stick the lot on Hawley On Fire in the 4.40pm at Doncaster. £10 to win at 33/1 makes you £340. Easy money.

What happened?
‘The horse came in! Thanks for the tip, it was brilliant. Unfortunately I thought my luck was in and I lost the lot on the next race. My wife has walked out on me and I’m now attending Gamblers Anonymous. I’ll give you 2-1 that I’ll quit before the end of the month.’


‘I’m a Mormon with nine wives. How do I keep them all happy?’ Donny, 50, from Stockton-on-Tees.
Being a polygamist on Valentine’s Day can be tough. Instead of trying to make each of your wives feel special, do something that you and your wives can enjoy together. 5-a-side football is ideal for a group of ten, so book a pitch at a sports centre and then hit a local pub for a few post-match beverages.

What happened?
‘My wives loved the football, it was a great idea. Unfortunately the rivalry between the two teams got a bit out of hand during the post-match drinking session and a huge fight broke out which left 4 of my wives hospitalised.’


'I’m in love with my Stepmother. My Dad works on an offshore oil rig and she’ll be on her own on Valentine’s Day. I’m taking her out for a meal but don’t know if I should tell her how I feel.' Bradley, 17, Aberdeen.
Go for it. If she likes your Dad, she’s bound to like you. You’re probably younger and fitter than your Dad; in fact I’m quite surprised nothing has happened in the past. Your stepmother is not a blood relative so treat her like you’d treat any other girl. Here’s my top tip: after you’ve finished the main course at the restaurant, grab your coats and tell her that dessert is served back at yours. Tell her to wait in the lounge, lie on the dining room table and cover your naked body in apple crumble and custard. Shout that ‘dessert is served’ and take it from there.

What happened?
‘My dad unexpectedly came home just as I was covering myself in custard. He threw me out of the house and I’m now living in a homeless hostel.’


‘Where should I go to meet single women on Valentine’s Day?’ Tony, 34, Lincoln.
One word: Off licenses. Valentine’s Day can be lonely and depressing, and when feelings of self-hatred kick in, most Brits hit the bottle. The trick is to pick the right kind of offie. If you’re into tracksuit-wearing chavs with huge earrings, hang around outside a corner shop selling £1.99 bottles of knock-off vodka. If you’re looking for a classier woman, a Nicolas wine store is a great place to pull. In both cases the technique is simple: ply the woman with alcohol until she’s perfect mix of drunk and desperate.

What happened?
‘The only single woman who went into the off licence all night bought five bottles of wine and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her sleeping on the bins outside Iceland.’