Hello, I’m Dr David Tracksuit, former Arsenal footballer and doctor of sports punditry at the University of Ridingford. Here’s my guide to the sporting summer. Enjoy.
June- July
Wimbledon
The world’s greatest tennis tournament is bigger and better than ever this year with the addition of a new spectator ceiling on Court 14. The ceiling has been erected only 10ft above the ground making serving difficult and lobs impossible. Roger Federer has promised to play left handed without a racket in the final to give his opponents half a chance of winning.
Player to watch: Grobnan Shotalovic
Although he's having to bide his time in the Juniors this year, the 13-year-old Croatian wunderkind has taken the world of tennis by storm since reaching the semi-finals at this year’s Warsaw Open. He famously beat Andy and Jamie Murray 6-1, 6-0, 6-3, in the doubles final at Monte Carlo despite losing his playing partner to injury during the first set. If he doesn't win a Grand Slam tournament in the next two years I'll eat my racket.
Prediction:
‘Tiger’ Tim Henman to be reduced to tears in the BBC commentary box after John McEnroe asks him what it's like to have never won a Grand Slam.
July
Open Golf Championship
The 158th Open Championship takes place at Royal Birkdale in July. Mark O’Meara was the last winner at the famous course in 1998, when he shot a final round of -40 to win the famous claret jug by two shots from Spain’s Miguel Pitchenputt.
Player to watch: Boom O’Driverly
The big Texan is famous for his big drives and even bigger waistline, but has a delicate touch around the greens that belies his 38st frame. He finished runner-up to Mike Weird at this year’s McDonalds Invitational, and despite his lowly world ranking of 578, he’ll find the long narrow fairways, fast greens, and large number of local pubs to his liking.
Prediction:
With Tiger Woods out with a knee injury I expect a European to win. Ian Poulter or Fujitzu Hamaharki would be my tips.
July- August
England v South Africa Test Cricket
The Proteas come to the UK for their first tour since Nelson Mandela was re-imprisoned. With regular captain Jake van der Batt out with a torn finger, Graeme Smith takes the reigns. Smith will be looking to build on the success of his last trip to England where he managed to visit the Houses of Parliament, Tower Bridge, the London Eye, Nelson’s Column, the National Portrait Gallery, the London Dungeon, the Cabinet War Rooms and the British Museum all in one afternoon.
Player to watch: Francois Pietersen
The mad twin brother of England’s Kevin, Francois was left behind in South Africa when Kevin emigrated. Francois has never forgiven his brother for turning his back on the country of his birth and has vowed to attack him with a barrage of short-pitch bowling, words and stones.
Prediction:
This four Test series will go right down to the wire and much depends on whether England’s faltering batting line up can fire. Much rides on the form of Michael Vaughan, if can score big England have a great chance. It’ll be tight, but I’ll go for England 4-0.
August
Olympic Games
The Games of the XXXCCVJGJAVC Olympiad are held in Beijing, China. For me the Athens Olympics was ruined by drugs- that was when my heroin addiction was at its worst, so I have no memory of those Games.
Athlete to watch: Xang Hi Chang
The Chinese 10,000m specialist has been training for the games by running 40 miles a day whilst simultaneously sucking on the exhaust pipe of a car. Xang expects to be in peak condition for the Games, but unfortunately due to his training regime, doctors don’t expect him to live beyond the age of 30.
Prediction:
Great Britain will finish as respectable 156th in the medal table, ahead of their traditional rivals the Canary Islands but behind Sierra Leone.
August
2008/9 Premiership season stars
When there's no football to watch I feel dead inside. Since the end of Euro 2008 I've had to dedicate myself to making a full size matchstick model of the Cutty Sark just to distract myself from the pain of not being able to watch football 24 hours a day. The first Saturday of the Premiership season is the happiest day of the year. I can go down the boozer in my Arsenal shirt, watch a proper man's sport, drink beer with my mates and talk about birds. Happy days.
Player to watch: All of them
Every single Premiership footballer is a sporting genius who deserves every penny they earn. The Premiership is the greatest sports competition in the world so sit back and enjoy the entertainment as sporting titans face off in such mouth-watering contests as Bolton vs Hull and West Bromwich Albion v Wigan.
Prediction:
My wife will leave me after Christmas as all I do is watch, talk about or occasionally play football.
June- July
Wimbledon
The world’s greatest tennis tournament is bigger and better than ever this year with the addition of a new spectator ceiling on Court 14. The ceiling has been erected only 10ft above the ground making serving difficult and lobs impossible. Roger Federer has promised to play left handed without a racket in the final to give his opponents half a chance of winning.
Player to watch: Grobnan Shotalovic
Although he's having to bide his time in the Juniors this year, the 13-year-old Croatian wunderkind has taken the world of tennis by storm since reaching the semi-finals at this year’s Warsaw Open. He famously beat Andy and Jamie Murray 6-1, 6-0, 6-3, in the doubles final at Monte Carlo despite losing his playing partner to injury during the first set. If he doesn't win a Grand Slam tournament in the next two years I'll eat my racket.
Prediction:
‘Tiger’ Tim Henman to be reduced to tears in the BBC commentary box after John McEnroe asks him what it's like to have never won a Grand Slam.
July
Open Golf Championship
The 158th Open Championship takes place at Royal Birkdale in July. Mark O’Meara was the last winner at the famous course in 1998, when he shot a final round of -40 to win the famous claret jug by two shots from Spain’s Miguel Pitchenputt.
Player to watch: Boom O’Driverly
The big Texan is famous for his big drives and even bigger waistline, but has a delicate touch around the greens that belies his 38st frame. He finished runner-up to Mike Weird at this year’s McDonalds Invitational, and despite his lowly world ranking of 578, he’ll find the long narrow fairways, fast greens, and large number of local pubs to his liking.
Prediction:
With Tiger Woods out with a knee injury I expect a European to win. Ian Poulter or Fujitzu Hamaharki would be my tips.
July- August
England v South Africa Test Cricket
The Proteas come to the UK for their first tour since Nelson Mandela was re-imprisoned. With regular captain Jake van der Batt out with a torn finger, Graeme Smith takes the reigns. Smith will be looking to build on the success of his last trip to England where he managed to visit the Houses of Parliament, Tower Bridge, the London Eye, Nelson’s Column, the National Portrait Gallery, the London Dungeon, the Cabinet War Rooms and the British Museum all in one afternoon.
Player to watch: Francois Pietersen
The mad twin brother of England’s Kevin, Francois was left behind in South Africa when Kevin emigrated. Francois has never forgiven his brother for turning his back on the country of his birth and has vowed to attack him with a barrage of short-pitch bowling, words and stones.
Prediction:
This four Test series will go right down to the wire and much depends on whether England’s faltering batting line up can fire. Much rides on the form of Michael Vaughan, if can score big England have a great chance. It’ll be tight, but I’ll go for England 4-0.
August
Olympic Games
The Games of the XXXCCVJGJAVC Olympiad are held in Beijing, China. For me the Athens Olympics was ruined by drugs- that was when my heroin addiction was at its worst, so I have no memory of those Games.
Athlete to watch: Xang Hi Chang
The Chinese 10,000m specialist has been training for the games by running 40 miles a day whilst simultaneously sucking on the exhaust pipe of a car. Xang expects to be in peak condition for the Games, but unfortunately due to his training regime, doctors don’t expect him to live beyond the age of 30.
Prediction:
Great Britain will finish as respectable 156th in the medal table, ahead of their traditional rivals the Canary Islands but behind Sierra Leone.
August
2008/9 Premiership season stars
When there's no football to watch I feel dead inside. Since the end of Euro 2008 I've had to dedicate myself to making a full size matchstick model of the Cutty Sark just to distract myself from the pain of not being able to watch football 24 hours a day. The first Saturday of the Premiership season is the happiest day of the year. I can go down the boozer in my Arsenal shirt, watch a proper man's sport, drink beer with my mates and talk about birds. Happy days.
Player to watch: All of them
Every single Premiership footballer is a sporting genius who deserves every penny they earn. The Premiership is the greatest sports competition in the world so sit back and enjoy the entertainment as sporting titans face off in such mouth-watering contests as Bolton vs Hull and West Bromwich Albion v Wigan.
Prediction:
My wife will leave me after Christmas as all I do is watch, talk about or occasionally play football.
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